I wrote this post in my bed on Saturday morning. From my heart to yours, if this long weekend turned you into garbage too, here’s to hoping it was temporarily.
Today, I am a garbage person.
I don’t mean a person who handles garbage for a living, because those people are the heroes without whom our society would crumble into a massive pile of moldy paper towels and old socks. They should be heralded with trumpets.
Today, I am the garbage. As I write this at 11am, I sit on my half-made bed with the shades drawn and a plastic cup of iced coffee sweating on my bedside table. (Why is the bed half-made, do you ask? Because I got tired after pulling up one corner.) Last night we stayed up until almost 3am, and it feels like my body has punched itself in the face.
Great call on finishing off that bag of Tostitos before bed! My inner garbage whispers. The half-made bed is where we shall stay.
How many drinks did I have last night? Definitely fewer than you’d guess. (Not sharing the exact number here because, like all great artists, I need to preserve my street cred.) But they were spaced out just perfectly to maximize my time spent in my truest of garbage forms.
If you’re a human person with a brain and a heart, I’m willing to bet you’ve had a few garbage days yourself. The garbage-self can appear without any drinks at all – I’ve seen it lurking if you miss out on some sleep, forget to eat dinner, or just wake up on the unmade side of the bed.
Things To Do When You Are a Human-Shaped Pile of Garbage:
- Take a nap in a room with no windows. Sunlight is the enemy.
- Go for a run. (Not recommended if there’s any chance of spewing your garbage.)
- Call your friend who drank more/slept less/has a more stressful job than you. Nothing makes garbage feel better than finding other, smellier garbage.
- Apologize to your garbage friend for using them to prop up your ego. Buy them an ice cream and French fries.
- Invite your garbage friend over to watch Shameless and fall asleep on the couch.
- Consider checking your work email. (Don’t do it, just consider it.)
- Consider taking a shower. (Don’t do it, just consider it.)
- Start reading the news. Immediately stop reading the news.
- Mutter angrily to no one in particular every time you have to get up to pee.
If you’re feeling like a pile of horse manure covered in food scraps on top of an abandoned dumpster, I hope this post finds its way to your lazy little scrolling thumbs. Soak in the garbage day, my friend. Marinate in it. Love it. Don’t even change your underwear. But in a couple hours, go take a goddamn shower.
If you need me, I’ll be right here – napping and taking very, very frequent pee breaks.