Chasing Normal

Hi guys. It feels like forever since I’ve written something for the twelve of you, but I’m so so happy to be back in the swing of things.

During our business meeting, we decided who’d be taking the first week back. Since it had been perceptually forever, I volunteered. (It’s usually either an all-out bloodbath for first week privileges or we draw straws like it’s a death sentence. Picture either the reaping ceremonies for the Hunger Games or the actual Hunger Games.)

Then, last night, Hannah and I were finally confronting all of the homework that we’d neglected to do all weekend, and I was realizing that I had considerably less to do than I thought. I was mentally high-fiving myself when Hannah asked, “so, have you thought about what you’re going to post this week?”

And, for about the millionth time, I had not. I whisper-yelled “FUCK” (it’s happened before and it’ll happen again), and Hannah declared, “yup, it’s official. We’re back.”

(I think I have a perfect track record for forgetting that it’s my week to post until Sunday or Monday night. I’ve basically got the equivalent of when race horses win all three of those prestigious races. I’ve won the triple crown in forgetting blog posts. Just call me Secretariat.)

So all is right with the world again in Blog Land. That’s a feeling we’ve been chasing a lot lately. All year, Hann and I have been waiting for things to feel normal. Or maybe how they felt a year ago, before we went abroad. We’ve been waiting for everything to go back to the way it was our sophomore year.

But the truth is, things haven’t been quite the same lately. It’s our last semester, and the awareness of that has been impossible to shake. Ever since we touched back down in America, our plan has been to make the absolute most out of this final year. We resolved to do considerably less schoolwork, have considerably more fun, and not think about the impending doom of graduation until we absolutely had to. We were determined to enjoy every second we had left.

Turns out that’s easier said than done. Especially when you make it a goal. Living completely in the moment is elusive enough without trying so hard at it. (Think we fucked that one up, Hann.) It’s been impossible lately to ignore the fact that this is our last semester. People are applying for jobs and grad school, we’re applying to graduate, and no one will stop asking us what are plans are for next year. (Seriously. Now’s your chance to ask me about grad schools. No, I haven’t heard back yet. Yes, that’s probably a bad sign. Essentially, I’m doomed.)

We’ve talked about this before, about how it’s impossible to live entirely in the moment. It’s impossible not to notice that things are changing, because those changes are going to happen whether you acknowledge them or not. Everyday life doesn’t feel as intense as it did our sophomore year. We’re not spending every meal turning Hannah into a teletubby in the dining hall and panicking about what we’re going to do with our lives anymore. (It is kind of nice to not be either intensely happy or intensely sad, though.)

We can feel ourselves transitioning out of this phase and into the next one. We leave campus sometimes to go to internships and put the things we’ve learned over these four years into action, and we’re scared we won’t succeed. We’re fine-tuning our resumes and LinkedIn profiles like we’re warriors preparing for battle. We’re not just sitting in classes and writing papers in the library and stealing oranges from the dining hall anymore. Shit’s getting real, man.

(Some brief snapshots of our glory days.)

And I thought I was going to have some prolific conclusion drawn from this, but I don’t. I’ve just learned the same lesson that I’ve learned dozens of times before this, the same lesson I’ll undoubtedly learn a hundred more times before I die.

The only thing you can count on is change. Sometimes it’s hard. (Clichés, clichés, and more clichés.) But every time I learn this lesson, I get a little bit better at dealing with it. I also learn that change isn’t a bad thing. Every scary new chapter that intimidates the crap out of me as I stand on its threshold has managed to make my world so much bigger and better. So bring it on, final semester. I’m more than ready to forget that I have to post again two weeks from now.